(2/2 about dad) how do i repair this relationship? how can i stop being so reactionary towards him and more kind/open? i get emotional just thinking about it and start tearing up so it is hard for me to imagine having a successful conversation about it. a lot of the resentment has been planted in my brain by my mother (they’re divorced) from an early age and it feels really unfair. he is really not that bad and doesn’t deserve his only daughter being so cold to him.
oh also in case you are wondering, i am 21 years old and my dad is in his early 50s, i’m entering my last year of college so this isn’t an adolescent hormonal thing unfortunately (because then it would pass presumably??) and also thank you. even if you don’t answer it is a relief to send these thoughts to another human (this is about the complicated father/daughter relationship) you are deeply good in your heart and you help so many people
i think it’s a good sign that you’re thinking about your feelings in actions in such great depth. in talk therapy, the therapist encourages you to talk and tease out and braid/unbraid all the things that are troubling you in your past/present/future. you are talking through these things with yourself. this is very admirable.
(of course if you still feel lost & obscured, it might be a good idea to … look into therapists near u)
it’s interesting to me that you say “i am 21 years old … so this isn’t an adolescent hormonal thing unfortunately”
my brother just turned 22 and he is JUST getting over his teen angst. he is starting to be more open to his family. it will probably take another year, maybe a few more years, before he starts actually answering our calls. he has no reason to resent us. he just feels a wall for some reason. none of us knows the cause of it. …i’m not sure if he himself knows the cause…
i’ll be 26 in a few weeks and i think i’m about halfway thru unpacking the ~ feelings ~ that i have about my parents. parents are very complicado
your feelings towards your dad sound kinda similar as my feelings towards my mom. it is very hard for me to communicate with my mom. there is no tangible reason for this. sometimes she will say something that is innocuous, but the way she says it makes me want to leave or hang up the phone. sometimes when i go to see her, or she comes to see me, i dread it. i like talking to my mom, i like hanging out with my mom, i think she’s really cool, and nice. but sometimes tiny things will make me want to be sarcastic towards her or shut her down. i don’t know the source of these feelings.
maybe it will just take a few more years and a few more therapists, who knows
if it helps you feel better, most people (to my knowledge) start trying to repair relationships with their parents in their 30s onward. they start to feel their own mortality more acutely, and see their parents as actual old people, and they start to forgive them (or at least tolerate them) more for the little things that used to put them off
so it’s awesome that you’re being so reflective about this now! don’t stress about it too much. you sound very conscious already. give it some time; if you continue to be as aware as you are, things will inevitably start to mend