GOWNS

hi gowns, i'm in a relationship with a loving attentive affectionate man who never fails to show/tell me how perfect i am to him. the thing is that i feel a little disconnected from him because i mostly feel loved by talking about things, and he is not a big talker / rarely wants to discuss things like his thoughts or feelings. he's not prone to delving deep like i am. it makes me feel like something is missing. should it be him who changes or should i just accept that i'll have to live w/o it?

Anonymous

this is kinda related to love languages

http://gowns.tumblr.com/post/76550471331/my-boyfriend-thinks-he-can-never-do-enough-to-prove-he
http://gowns.tumblr.com/post/76999878742/what-are-you-n-matts-love-languages-did-combining-them

but since u say that he already does *tell* u frequently about his love, this is more like, the way u guys problem solve or process things

[huge generalization but] a lot of dudes are just not big talkers, imo

that’s why it’s a trope, the dude sitting there blinking at the person he’s dating who’s talking and going on and on [not a very positive trope, but it does come from somewhere]

u are probably just like me, analytical to a fault, let’s talk about this issue, let’s talk about our childhoods, yadda yadda, and u would think that the one place you can talk about all that would be with your partner, right? like, you know you can’t talk at length like that at a party or to a stranger so you want to talk like that to your bf

something that can be a useful outlet for you is therapy, either alone or as a couple

but if you feel like overall there’s a wall between the two of you, you can just sit him down and talk to him about it, hey, i noticed that i like to discuss things a lot, and you keep quiet a lot, i feel like this is an important thing that i need, do  you think maybe you could try to talk about your feelings more, and i’ll be less pushy about you talking, because we’re having this talk now and i want to be sensitive to your way of doing things

communication is pretty key, even / especially communication about a perceived lack of communication

I am thrilled that Kim set me up on a date with her “artistic friend Michelle” without batting an eye

I am thrilled that Kim set me up on a date with her “artistic friend Michelle” without batting an eye

What would you say to a guy who sexually harassed a girl at a paty and now he hates himself so much that couldn't even talk to any other girl for the last four years and who fells just like a monster for what he did and have no idea how to fix that mess years after it happened?

Anonymous

is this guy you or a friend?

uh in any case what i would probably say is “have you looked into therapy dude”

and if he says yes, but it is all so expensive, i would say, well, have you really looked into it, have you contacted therapists with sliding scales, and etc, have you really researched therapy in your area

if this guy has already tried therapy i would recommend trying another therapist

and looking up self-esteem books and stuff like that

all you can do really is confess and repent and move on from there, but if you (i mean “he”) has really confessed it already, and you are (i mean “he is”) still hung up on it, then there’s some kind of obstacle within himself that is not the act itself, but having to do with his own psyche

we all make mistakes, the question is, how can you learn from these mistakes ?

don’t hate yourself, just go to therapy, and also, issues around consent get more cogent once you interact with people more and talk to ladies as human beings and read their body language and subtext you know

the more you hide, the less you’ll learn

sorry if this is rambly, i’m feeling brain-fried

I tried to make a few long asks but they all came out really silly! basically I was feeling very bad because of many stupid things I’ve been doing to myself over some years but, last night, I had in mind what I know about your life from reading the blog and it was something about the EXAMPLE you make, I started wondering if I could consider liking myself, making friends, thinking more about other people and not being so scared of the world that I shut it out 100% and the same night I felt more

Anonymous

I felt more hopeful about things than I have in 4 years, which includes my total adult life whoops the melodrama bomb fell right at the end (for the last year I was at a point where I was just not imagining anything beyond a week in my future)

wow, this is a great thing to hear! i’m really glad i could inspire you in any way. that’s really amazing to me

i have struggled with some things in my life but if the end result of all this is giving other people the knowledge that they can get thru some shit and escape bad habits, bad brains, bad feelings, even if only for a day at a time … that in itself gives me the strength to keep going on !

it gets better! i mean, it doesn’t get better, but you become better equipped to deal with shit, and you learn, and that’s something. the future hides treasures in its pockets. we just have to keep going, reaching, wondering, connecting

i wish you luck! godspeed!

"Mother why are you laughing and shaking in the supermarket line"

"Because no one did a fucking thing about global warming when i was young, and because we live in an unchecked capitalist country inflation just kept going up, and now this head of lettuce costs $40"

"Mother why are you crying now"

"I forgot the keys to the motorboat, we will have to swim home now"

*i hoist my youngest child on my shoulders, open the supermarket door, and head out into the I-5 river*

I think people confide in you, and ask you for advice, partly because you seem to give everyone a very thoughtful response, no matter what it is, and even if they may not totally agree with your opinions, or follow your advice to the letter, they are at least in some sense nourished by your kindness.

:< thank u

"Mother’s having one of her moods" — one of my children reports to another child

*all my children call me Mother in a New England accent, even though we will live in the crisis area that California will be ten years from now

i live my life between the couch and the bed and i want to have kids but also worry about being Mother and her many moods

(jokes are a part of that b/c all humor stems from the dissonance between being alive and knowing that we will all die (cf. freud, et al))

Is this an advice blog?

Anonymous

it is a blog where i work out my anxiety and depression and racing thoughts to an audience

so yes i guess

i wish i had a better answer, like i said, it reminds me of living in the united states during the civil war and having a cousin who would go off to fight on the confederate side, and you can be like, fuck no why are you doing this, but life is fucked up, i just don’t know. you can try to talk to her and tell her what you know but , in my experience, people are stubborn and i’m sure you’ve already tried, so at that point what do you do except cry, hope she doesn’t die, hope she comes around, hope your life amounts to something, think about all the misery in the world, i don’t know

my first cousin voluntarily joined the IDF. i really, really, really do not support the IDF. i am pro-palestine. i think what israel is doing to gaza is horrifying. but she is my cousin. and i can't bring myself to wish her harm, or to not care about what happens to her. nor can i pray for her like the rest of my family is doing. i feel very ugly inside about this. what is the correct response? how can i reconcile my love for my family with my hatred of violence?

Anonymous

this is definitely a hard one

you are in an unenviable position that many people have experienced throughout history — think of any civil war or regional dispute where “brothers took up arms against brothers.” it’s a tragedy; pure and deep tragic dissonance. what kind of turmoil lives within us when we believe deeply in something, and someone close to us believes in the exact opposite? and worse — when they take action on the ideology that we find so abhorrent?

it’s the kind of thing that pulls deep wellsprings of grief from us. it’s one thing if someone close to us grows distant; or disappears; or dies. but for them to be alive and fighting on behalf of something corrupt, vile, inhumane…

i think that there might not actually be a reconciliation to be made. i don’t think there’s any correct response. this conflict has been teased out by shakespeare & ancient greeks, and even after 100s of plays, there’s still not an answer. there is no reconciliation within a tragedy, except for the acceptance of the tragedy itself.

something i’m thinking of now is the family members of gang members … imagining a mother lighting a candle for her son, hating everything that he chooses to do and everyone he affiliates himself with, but praying every day for him to be safe and come home and maybe one day come to his senses.

i think this is the best thing for you to do — as there is nothing that presents itself “to do,” concretely, as a “solution.” but you can keep your cousin in your thoughts / prayers, hope for her safety and life, while also hoping…i mean, maybe once she goes over there, she will see the horrifying things going on. maybe she will be convinced out of her conviction by the very battlefield that she joins. maybe she herself will convince another person of the error of their ways; maybe she will save a palestinian family from an attack.

all wild hopes. but think of how likely it is that the gang member will come home one day and kiss his mother and commit himself to peace, family and community. it’s that sliver of hope that the praying mother has to hold onto. find your hope, even if it’s a pinhole of light, and let it sustain you. you can’t balance everything, but you can keep holding on

*edit to add — this is all with the assumption that she’s already on her way out. if she’s still here — have you talked to her at all? provided her with some of your own research? even if she gets angry at you at first, you can give her something that can sit in her brain for a while.

there are a lot of people living in israel who try to get out of the IDF, and there are a lot of resources for conscious jews + israelis. i don’t know the right ones by name, but if you send me a message off-anon, and other people send me messages off-anon, perhaps we can figure out something more concretely

*also — i’m aware that my analogy about the mother of the gang member isn’t the strongest here, i’m just thinking about something that has relevance to my family. trying to make connections