GOWNS

gowns, I hope you're well. I'm feeling a little ignored in my relationship. From what I can tell my partner has chronic anxiety. She's never seen a doctor about it, though I've asked her to, and sometimes she denies that it's a problem while other times she agrees it's not healthy. I do whatever I can to help her calm down sometimes, but I'm usually not that helpful. That's a problem in itself of course, but it also gets in the way when I try to bring up something that bothers me [cont]

Anonymous

[cont] her biggest fear is that I hate her or want to leave her, so whenever I try to tell her about something I’m uncomfortable with, she shuts down and a lot of times it escalates bc emotions are so high. So when she tells me “can we please stop talking about this I’m feeling overwhelmed” I’m glad she can stay in a healthy state of mind but my problems don’t go away :/ and there’s never really a good time. What do you think I should do?

your gf sounds a lot like me. then again, i have recognized that i have a Thing and have read a lot about it and seen professionals about it.

perhaps the first step should not be “see a doctor,” which can seem like an overwhelming step, but just forward her some links about anxiety and/or low self esteem (which also sounds like the issue here). preface it with loving words, not judgmental words. try not to sound accusatory. from there, maybe you guys can take a trip to the library or bookstore and look at some self-help and psych books to see if anything resonates with her.

from there, steps can be taken towards therapy & other care. if she’s afraid about the cost or time, she should know that there are many sliding-scale therapists + they will adjust to your schedule as best they can.

some questions that i have:

1) do you live together? how long have you been together?

2) what exactly are your problems? what are you uncomfortable with? what have your arguments been about?

3) how do things escalate? although it’s understandable that “emotions run high,” do you think you could take on some added responsibility to stay as calm as possible? have you ever tried giving her some space (immediately, as opposed to after there’s an escalation)?

I wanted to say that I think you're fantastic for fielding all these questions the way you do and to ask for some advice myself. My brother has a tendency to pick friends that aren't nice people, they steal money from him and who got him into heavy alcohol and drugs use. Last summer, he started dating his current girlfriend and stopped spending time with his friends because of this. A few weeks into their relationship, she started spending a lot of time at our house and since has pretty (1/3)

Anonymous

much moved in with us. At first, I was a little thrown that my parents allowed this as they’re fairly traditional and because she was 16 years old at the time. Fast forward to the present day, she’s still living with us. My parents aren’t happy with the situation, and have told him that, but they seem to think it’s better than having him fall in with his old crowd again. It wouldn’t be as bad if my brother and his girlfriend did their part around the house, but they contribute nothing.

They don’t wash their dishes or do their own laundry and they leave a mess in the only bathroom. No amount of reminders can get them to clean up after themselves. And at the end of the day, either my parents or I are the ones to deal with it. My parents aren’t strict with him because they’re scared he’ll revert back to his old ways, but I’m getting so frustrated. Do you have any suggestions for steps I should take to deal with this? Thanks in advance!

hi, sorry that i’m answering this so late

i guess the main thing that i want to know is how old everybody is, i know that the gf should be 17 now but i don’t know about anyone else

if they’re both teens, this is kind of just… teen behavior, and annoying, and i’ve dealt with it before, i know, it kind of just makes you tear your hair out

i lived with my bro in an apartment together when he was 18 and i was 22 and we had fundamentally different ideas about household responsibilities. he just didn’t understand the point of cleaning, even cleaning up after himself, and no amount of reminding, cajoling, bribery, conversation, nothing would work

he’s now 22 and living with his GF and their house is very nice and clean !

so i don’t have any functional advice really because the only thing that helped for us was 1) me moving out and 2) him getting older

i guess the biggest thing you can do is give him a heart to heart talk and tell him that you’re really frustrated and if they could just pick up a little bit, just a little bit, because it’s really stressing you out, and your parents are putting the pressure on you

i find that what works best with siblings is drawing a line between you and the parents, like “hey bro, it’s us vs them, i don’t want to be coming to you like this but they’re coming down on me you know and i want to hang out with you and stuff but we have to work together to clean or our parents will flip out on us, except it will really be more on me, so can you please help me out :(“

meanwhile, the least helpful thing to incentivize a sibling is to be “on the parents’ side,” “against” them. “we want you to clean up your stuff,” “why do you never help out around the house,” are not helpful ways to phrase it… it makes it seem like you guys are “ganging up” on him. which might seem silly, i know. you’re just trying to get him to wash a damn dish

but it’s like a finger trap, you know, you get more from working together than pulling at him

Elaine Stritch refuses to wear pants that is so #me

Highly considering this leggings + oxfords + dress shirt + jewelry lifestyle

i’ve tried to teach my cat techniques to distract me and how to offer me some positive words to help destroy negative brain patterns when they occur but like cats are so independent, you know

i think i need a therapy dog or something

a therapy dog that can quote bible verses at me to calm my idiot brain down

*squeezes stressball, reminds self that man is fallible, man is fallible, man is fallible*

today in acting class i did a scene where i just drove my mom home from a doctor’s appointment, and i’m going over to my sister’s house to tell her that our mom has just been diagnosed with huntington’s disease and we will have to take care of her for the next 10 years or so of her life as her mind and body becomes less and less of what it was

and it was completely emotionally exhausting!! exilharating that i got there and lived through that, for real, for those 5-10 minutes, but also, i’ve felt like a truck hit me all day

carly simon - coming around again

A critic from The NY Times gave “Top of the Lake” a bad review and Matt says it’s clearly because he’s a clueless male and a tool of the patriarchy